dni people who have romantic interest in me
i don't mind if someone wants to be friends or have sex with me, that's fine.
i don't agree with romantic love though, that's my limit.
this is not mainly due to any cynicism of the post-romantic era, although it is certainly that.
it's because i feel like i've committed such horrible crimes that i don't deserve to be loved.
i think it is not fair to that person to hide my criminal past and commit to marriage, property, and family with this person. keeping quiet about things is lying, and i don't like lying.
i think i need to take responsibility for my crimes and understand my place in society. and that is, i internalize that i am the type of person who doesn't deserve love. it would be my duty to simply kill myself, but i'm such a fucking pussy that i can't even scratch my skin.
if someone asks about my crimes, i will never answer the question. even if i am pressured to answer "did you commit this crime x, yes or no" -questions, i will still lie. i will take the truth to my grave.
even if i told you about my crimes and you still thought i was still worthy of love, i would consider you a fucking crazy hybristophile who should be ashamed. a morally superior person would reject me and wish i would commit suicide.
anyone who says otherwise is either a criminal who doesn't take responsibility, or a hybristophile. that's just cope.
it is absolute and divine justice that i die alone and live miserable life.