what are my thoughts of eastern orthodoxy as an orthodox christian



i have conflicting thoughts about religion and theology in general. i am interested in theology but at the same time i think that it's the most pointless field of study to argue about. whenever i argue about theological talking points like, how this or that is heretic and this is fundamentalist and this is proper and have you considered this and so on, i feel i have wasted so much time for nothing.

i believe in god but in a sense, i've said this to my philosopher teacher who was also theistic, that i am self-aware about the fact that me believing in god doesn't really make any sense. why i believe in something that isn't scientifically even proven.

for me believing in god is just three things.

first, it's the cultural framework for voices i've heard all my life. originally i thought that when people referred to god, angels, demons, saints and so on, they just were voices that people hear in the same way as i do. i was shocked when i found out that no, people in fact don't hear any voices. i personally don't understand how people even can believe in god when they can't hear any voices. i know this in a sense when some christians are visibly offended when some secularists or atheists ask that okay so you sense something that doesn't exist, are you in psychosis? well, i am humble and i can admit that yes, my beliefs doesn't make any sense. my voices aren't based on reality. so in sense, you could say, that i am person who is delusional.

i have sense of reality in the sense that i am aware that voices i hear are just audative hallucinations and aren't real. like, if i start to genuinelly think that they're real, then it means that my mental health is worsened. before i just thought that all spiritual beings that people says that they believe, are by definition, those same audative hallucinations. when i learned that no, people don't hear anything and they still believe in spiritual beings, in my own personal religious worldview god, angels, demons, saints, souls ect. are just symbolic names of my voices and not as some universal definition of hallucinations that almost everyone (theistics) would experience.

so here is the reason why i said before that theology is the most pointless study of field to argue about. i remember the clip from series called "xavier renegade angel" where they were referring to events during columbrine shooting. the character asks "do you believe in god?" and if person said yes, then he killed them with pistol. well, then the shooter wanted to shoot xavier, but he said that believing in god isn't some yes or no -question but in fact it's highly vague because god is subjective.

some would say that god is liberal, some would say that god is a communist, some would say that no, god is christofascist, no god is loving father, no god is a great wrath who perishes the evil. god loves finland, no god loves america, no god loves russia, no god loves world, no god hates globalists, no god hates ultranationalists. okay shall we use bible as a source material or? is it some academical metapsychical consept of all-knowing, all-loving and all-almighty that doesn't necessarly refer to christian god or? are we even using abrahamic framework? god, even protestants are using some gender-neutral pronouns about god inspired by jewish kabbalah's shekinah.

in philosophy classes the basic thing that you should always keep the mind on, is ensuring that the both parties refer in same thing when we are talking about some consept. the conversation don't go anywhere or make any sense, if both parties can't agree on similar meanings of words. of course we are always subjective in a sense that we mirror our life experieces into definitions of words, but everyone knows what spoon or fork means, but nobody in all actuality doesn't know what the god means.

also the fact is that god is subjective term, but it's also loaded term because everyone who believes in god, in some sense, put their meaning of life on it. of course arguing about something which gave you meaning for your life is horryfing. so of course that debate will become extremely toxic, emotional and irrational. so what do you even gain from theological debates? nothing. everyone is pissed off and for concept that just is vague, irrational, low-key schizophrenic and doesn't even exist in scientific worldview.