It's complex describe my relationship with Orthodoxy. I am cultural Orthodox in the sense that I think that it's part of being a Karelian in the same way that's integrated with being russian or greek.

Even though I have deep connection with orthodoxy due my family background, I feel that I am not "real orthodox" in the sense of my lifestyle, views and my beliefs (i am too liberal).

I pray, read the Bible, read religious texts, fast, go to church. In the sense I am more religious than the average person.

I feel that Orthodoxy to me is pretty much a way of dealing all hardships I've experienced in my life, but especially, I feel that Orthodoxy is a strength because I feel enormous guilt for the terrible crimes I have committed. I cannot live with myself. That is why the Jesus Prayer is a very important prayer for my spiritual life.

Direct translations from the Finnish 1992 Church Bible, no English translations capture these verses well:

Galatians 5:24: "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their old nature with its passions and desires."

Excerpt from Psalms 34:19: "...he saves those who are with a wounded mind."

It is usually said that a person becomes religious when they experience terrible things in life, or they themselves do terrible things. I am both.